ONE: You shall have no other or write no other books that do not reflect, admire, love, follow, and/or cherish the one and only Good Book (God’s bible).

TWO: You shall not make for your book a carved image and you may not bound it in any way, nor shall you write it without consulting a "Christian" spiritual advisor. If you do not consult a "Christian", you shall not write any likeness of anything that is in heaven above or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth, unless your book is religiously “positive” or “beneficial” to stealing elections, brainwashing the young, smiting the brown skinned, and/or useful to God’s desire (dictated by a conservative).

THREE: You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain in your book! Ever! Never! Ever! Ever! (Acceptable substitutes for blaspheming His name are:
“God is great!” “God is good!” “I’m very, very mad!” “Christ is King!”…
Or you may substitute the aforementioned no-no with anything nonsensical such as:
“Shev-brackery!” “Bladgery-smite!” “Patch-spoink-a-billy!”…

FOUR: Remember the Sabbath day while writing your book to keep it holy. If you don’t, you, your agent, your children, your children’s children, and your book shall burn in everlasting hell!

FIVE: Honor your father and your mother before, during and after writing your book and never, never, ever, ever write bad things about your parents (unless they’re Muslim, black, Arabic, Mexican, or Native American.) If you’re lucky enough to have it published and luckier still that it actually makes money, all proceeds shall be forfeited to God’s church and/or the RNC of Alaska.'

SIX: You shall not murder before, during or after writing your book despite your strong desire to strangle, shoot, drown, run over or bludgeon your agent and/or publisher.

SEVEN: You shall not commit adultery or write about committing it or write about another person committing it, (unless it will benefit a conservative Christian candidate, the war on terror, or his or her conservative talking points.)

EIGHT: You shall not steal another author’s book unless it is unworthy of God and you intend to burn it after smiting its author.

NINE: 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor while writing your book unless they’re not a Christian or their skin color is brown or they’re Muslim, or if they do not worship the Christian God, or they reek of explicit sex, or are a wed or unwed gay couple.

TEN: You shall not covet your neighbor's ten houses; you shall not covet your neighbor's rich heiress wife (or husband), nor their male illegal gardener, nor their female illegal sex slave, nor his (or her) Oxycodone, Viagra, or lack thereof, nor their donkey, nor anything that is or even isn’t thy neighbor's but is on their premises. Thou shall not covet even if he or she wrote a best-selling Christian series, i.e. "Left Behind", and is rich beyond your heavenly dreams.

© 2008 mrp/tpm