The Thoughts of the Average American
(or Why It's Hard To Give Peace a Chance)

"The violent deaths of untold thousands of anonymous brown people disturbs me, but I have a televised sing and dance competition to watch."

"The role of ideologically-driven shadow groups dictating public policy does not bother me"

"That non-threatening colored person running for public office has a nice smile, but I will surely never vote for him."

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"All of this talk of fraud and abuse of power makes me uncomfortable. I need more sexual predators to direct my hate and anger towards."

"Ever since 9/11 occurred roughly 1500 miles from my place of residence, the idea of people with different skin pigmentation makes me nervous."

"I believe the national politician when he says the easiest way to combat terrorism is by bombing poverty-stricken civilians in a far away place."


"Homosexuals and science belong in California and Massachusetts."

"The invisible outer space superhero of my monotheistic beliefs is the best."

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"A life of willful ignorance of my government's indiscretions is the life for me."

"An extra-marital affair between two consenting adults is a more impeachable offense than falsifying intelligence to create a regional conflict."

"When it comes to rational and intelligent discourse, I look to the two screaming people on the national news program."

"I blame untold millions of foreigners for a stagnant economy and unemployment, rather than an underfunded education system and the mass exodus of multinational corporations from American soil, facilitated by mass funding of the political system."

"I don't care how much it makes sense for my family, I do not want universal health care."


"A long life of monotonous work has been quickly placated by the commercial with melodramatic music featuring fictional characters I've learned to experience my life through."

"Surely the only way to inform people weary of our global ambitions of our good intentions is by branding their religion as violent and backwards and trampling on their culture as much as possible."

"I am glad there is finally a fair and balanced media outlet that will pro-actively reinforce my judgments and stereotypes."

"The discomfort and cognitive dissonance I live with in this country is easily washed down with water mixed with high fructose corn syrup and genetically modified food."

Originally on PBH


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