"There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root."
Henry David Thoreau
Henry David Thoreau
DECIDER'S VOICE: Okay! Okay! Cut! Goddamnit! Where are all the extras? This scene requires bodies! Loads of them! Bring on the fucking children! Quite on the set! Cue the bombs! Mothers start screaming! Fathers get that look of anger and hate in your eyes! Children you just lie there! And roll camera and ACTION!"
Lights rise and we see what appears to be a war movie set. There are lights and cameras and debris and bombed out shells of homes and buildings; all the bells and whistles! There are many dead bodies of Iraqi children, women and men (extras) lying all over the stage in various positions. It is, quite literally, a bloodbath. Down center stage, near the edge, is a huge oversized director’s chair. It looks almost throne-like. On the back it reads “DECIDER”… Soon we hear a walkie-talkie ring out.
VOICE OF ASSISTANT:
Sir? There are no more extras. The few that were left marched off the set ten minutes ago. It’s over.
DECIDER:
(Unseen but from the chair.) Over? Over! I’m the damn decider! I’ll tell you when it’s over you sniveling twit of an assistant! I’m the decider! And as decider I say this movie is not over! It has merely hit a lull! A bump in the road! All movies have delays and whining shitass extras! It ain’t over till the goddamned fat lady sings!
ASST:
The fat lady left yesterday, sir.
DECIDER:
Was she singing?
ASST:
No. She was screaming.
DECIDER:
Screaming?
ASST:
And crying and cursing and throwing things! She trampled over the sound man, the greensman, the gaffer, the grip, and the two remaining extras. They’re all dead, sir.
DECIDER:
Were the cameras rolling?
ASST: …Yes.
DECIDER:
Excellent!
ASST:
Excellent?
(DECIDER now hops down from his chair and surveys the set. He is dressed in full cowboy regalia all the way down to the boots!)
DECIDER:
Yes! Yes! I wasn’t selected bloody decider twice for nothing ya know!
ASST:
Of course not, sir.
DECIDER:
We can use it for the Cut and Run finale! It’ll also be good for the outtakes on the DVD! The people love that shit!
VOICE:
They do?
DECIDER:
Hell yes! They’ll rent it just for the outtakes alone! That, and the funny accents.
ASST:
It’s lunchtime, sir.
DECIDER:
Great! Pick me up my usual and be back here in half an hour. We’ve got a lot of filming and cutting and splicing and cadavers to position for the finale! Cut and Run's final scene! "The Fat Lady Screams"! I’m a genius!
ASST:
Soy milk, sir?
DECIDER:
Is there any other kind, shit for brains?
ASST:
No, sir. Not since the global Mad Cow epidemic.
DECIDER:
Just go!
ASST:
Yes, sir.
DECIDER:
Idiot… Always answering rhetorical questions.
(He walks about nudging bodies with his boot. After he discerns there are none living he calls out.)
DECIDER:
Hello?! Hello?!
(DECIDER’S voice echoes for several moments as he stands in his own cavern of emptiness. Soon he comes downstage and scans the faces of the audience for quite a long while.)
DECIDER:
This is not my fault! (Beat.) If you’ve been in the business as long as I have, my father before me and his father and his father’s father, you get to see this happen from time to time. It’s part of the territory. Come to think of it…I’m five for five. All five of my movies have had massive resistance! …It all began with my debut film of “One Flew over the Whitehouse”, then came “Neo-Con Air Part Two”. I tried the Cinema Verité style with this particular movie. What a load of crap that one turned out to be! I’m not very good at sequels… or the truth… But you go where the money is. At least I do. …But this one! This albatross is not my damned problem!
(Long pause.)
DECIDER:
Where was I? Oh. Yes. After “Neo-Con Air” I directed “The Last of the Neocons”. Raised quite a stink with that one. Sure did. The premise was stupid anyway and it had the additional benefit of being quite implausible. I should have known better, but you go where the money is right? Let’s see, after that behemoth flop I directed a film called “Kill Bill - The Aftermath”. Another damned flop. Not because it was far-fetched, or had a weak plot, or even the fact that it was a sequel. No. It was real enough, but it was my first go at Dark Comedy. My audience wasn’t quite ready for such full bore irony. Neither was I. …Then came the film that was supposed to be my masterpiece. The one that should have sent my marketability through the damned roof! “Mid-Term”. Oh! “Mid-Term”! It was Oscar time, baby! I was going to be king of the world! King of the world I tell ya! King of the goddamned world! Oh! Mid-Term! The glory! The suspense! The spectacular drama of a group of people who won the most decisive election battle in U.S. history! God! What unmitigated drama! Utter suspence and elation! …But, again, my audience, many of them captured, weren’t ready for such high concept realism. A dramatization of the battle that turned out to be the turning point for the entire world isn’t exactly going to keep them in their seats, unless you’re Mel fucking Gibson… (He roams about the stage again nudging bodies.)
This film. This one is my last go, folks. My decider finale. Seriously. I’m done after this one. Hollywood can make a person forget what’s important in life, ya know? Forget who we are. Ruthless bastards! So, I’m going fishing with daddy… or duck hunting with Dick. (Beat.) On second thought…
(Suddenly the walkie-talkie blares.)
ASST:
Sir?
DECIDER:
(Startled.) Holy mother of God!
ASST:
Sir?
DECIDER:
What!? What for Christ sake you goddamned sniveling toad!
ASST:
I quit! Get a different assistant you washed up no-good abusive prick! I called the authorities, too! I told them all about all the dead bodies and that you don’t care! You don’t care as long as you’re making money! Well I’m not that kind of person! I have a conscience! I’ve taken the cashbox, too! You not only don’t have any actors or crew, but now there’s no money! It’s all gone and so is every living soul! They’re all gone! They all blame you for ruining this film! You did it! You barked orders and treated people like dirt! You’re the worst decider of all time! And that’s an extremely long list of asshats!
DECIDER:
You’ll never work in this town again! You walk off this set and you’re history! You hear me? History! H.I.S.T.E.R.Y! Got that?
ASST:
Jesus! You're a stupid bastard!
(A loud feedback is heard as the ASSISTANT has obviously thrown the walkie-talkie. It comes skidding to a stop at DECIDER’S feet. He stands motionless for a good while not moving. Soon he turns and faces the audience. Smiling weakly, he comes downstage.)
DECIDER:
Fishing with daddy.
(DECIDER looks front watching the audience intently. The extras begin to move. They slowly begin to rise like zombies.)
DECIDER:
I am the decider. I’ve decided to go fishing. I’ve already been paid! And they call me the idiot! Ha! I’m rich beyond my audiences imagination so what the hell do I care! Right? You are all going to regret my absence, but you know what? Screw you! Yeah! You heard me! Screw you! My genius is lost on the world! My talents are out of your reach! I know how to get things done in this town! I’m a genius and I’m rich rich rich! I’m the decider and as the decider I get to decide and I’ve decided to go fishing! So screw you! (Turning.) And screw this movie! Agggghhhhhh! What the-
(The zombies are upon him. The women, men and children zombies now begin to devour him.)
DECIDER:
Cut! Cut! No! Bad choice of words! ...Help! Help!
(His emptiness echoes for a good moment as lights fade.)
The End.
(Cinéma vérité is a style of filmmaking, combining naturalistic techniques that originated in documentary filmmaking, with the storytelling elements typical of a scripted film. It is also known for taking a provocative stance toward its topics. The name is French and means, roughly, "cinema of truth".)