A Conversation (sort of) with George W. Bush

The audience of 2,000 of your sycophants paid $3,100 dollars per table to, I can only assume, listen to you apologize for your pathetically corrupt and mostly incompetent eight years as president. ...No. That would have been too unlike you. Huh, George?

"I want the president to succeed.

Gee! That’s mighty patriotic, not to mention grown-up of you, junior!

“I love my country more than I love politics.”

You’ve got one hell of an unpleasant way of showing it. This tells me that you haven’t a clue as to what the word “love” even means, which goes a long way in explaining why you think water boarding isn’t torture.

“I'm not going to spend my time criticizing Obama.”

That’s right, George. Your time will best be spent making jokes like the one you made in front of the crowd- "I actually paid for a house last fall. I think I'm the only American to have bought a house in the fall of 2008." –you miserable sack of shit!

“It's time for the former president to tap dance off the stage.”

Oh, but you’re still dancing, George! You’re still imagining yourself a Fred Astaire instead of a Fred Muggs!

“My purpose here today is not to criticize the president. He deserves my silence.”

The world deserves your silence, George. I’m rather sure, if they could’ve had their druthers, you’d have been silenced years ago.

“If he wants my help, he can pick up the phone and call me."

Again, George, you imagine yourself a man who has anything worthy to offer President Obama or humanity… other than your sincerest apology.

"I think it is essential that he be helped in office."

That’s funny. I, and millions of others, thought it was essential that you be helped OUT of office all the way back in two thousand and three.

"This is my maiden voyage.”

Damn, George! Must you also scare the children of Canada?

“My first speech since I was the president of the United States and I couldn't think of a better place to give it than Calgary."

You meant “…a safer place”, didn’t you?

"I’m going to write a book that’ll ask people to consider what they would do if they had to protect the United States as president.”

I can save you the trouble of writing a book that you’ll never read and neither will anyone else. The answer to your fallacious argument is `the opposite of you’. 

“It's going to be about the 12 toughest decisions I had to make."

Fascinating stuff, George! I suppose if the title of your book were “…the 12 mistakes (or crimes) I committed while in office.” then the number 12 would be laughably small, but at least it wouldn’t be a work of fiction...

"I'm going to put people in my place, so when the history of this administration is written at least there's an authoritarian voice saying exactly what happened."

What the-? …Okay. A couple of things right off the bat. Firstly, the Geneva Conventions do not permit you to put people in your place, George. Torture, I’m happy to say, is illegal again.

And secondly, when history is written about you George, it will indeed employ the word `authoritarian …And it will certainly, I hope, unlike your administration’s secrecy involving every-goddamned-thing, illustrate exactly what, when, where, how, why and to whom it happened!

"I want people to understand what it was like to sit in the Oval Office and have them come in and say we have captured Khalid Sheik Mohammed, the mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks, the alleged killer of a guy named Danny Pearl because he was simply Jewish, and we think we have information on further attacks on the United States."

You’re not the president anymore, George, so stop repeating the idiotic talking points (lies), you slithering shit-heel!

"I'm flattered people even want to hear me in the first place."

Come on, George! Your flatterers or ‘have mores’ can hardly be considered people, if, by people, you mean `human, with a heart, a brain, and dignity’…

"We just had a poll in our country where people decided that the foreign policy of the Bush administration ought to stay in place for four more years."

I guess one thing’s for certain; you haven’t changed one measly nth of a damned iota of a hairsbreadth of a mite-sized smidgen! You’re still lying like a damn dog! 

(In the 1950s, the Russian newspaper, Izvestia, described J. Fred Muggs, as "a symbol of the American way of life", and said, "Muggs is necessary in order that the average American should not look into reports on rising taxes, and decreasing pay, but rather laugh at the funny mug of a chimpanzee.")

Tip of the hat to The Huffington Post


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